When you make a decision, you have to be prepared for the consequences, and I have learned this over the last few weeks.
About a month ago, I decided I could not do chemo anymore. As far as I’m concerned, it was a good thing and I am feeling so much better, but because of that decision, I am now considered Palliative.
Was it a surprise? Not really. If I’m totally honest and search my heart of hearts, I have had this feeling inside of me for some time that this might well be my last year. Somehow we just know these things.
So, how do I spend my days?
For sure I don’t sit around and feel sorry for myself.
Someone asked me if I think about dying all the time, and I said, “Hell no, I’m too busy thinking about living!”
Six and a half years ago, I was told I had four years, and I had that cloud hanging over my head for a long time. It felt so good to finally have it gone and to be able to say “I’m just like everyone else. No one knows how long they have.” So, even if they could tell me, I don’t want to know.
This dying stuff has some things that needed to be attended to, so I got busy.
I have a form hanging on my fridge that says I don’t want any resuscitation or medical intervention, just interventions focused on comfort.
I have asked to be placed in a hospice at the end, because my care would be too much for my husband and family.
I have my Will, Living Will and Power of Attorney in place, and I will in the next few weeks have my funeral expenses paid for with instructions of what I want right down to the music.
Home care has come in to do an assessment and I have some new funky toys to play with.
So, now I can relax and enjoy the process of dying.
Yes, I said enjoy.
I want to embrace this last passage of time. My pain is under control, and I choose to spend my days with friends and family, going for coffee or lunch and enjoying my time with them.
I am learning so much about this last part of life. I know it is not to be feared because there is more to come. I know that it is the little things like spending time with loved ones, that is more important than any of the big stuff, like houses, cars, toys and big bank accounts — you can’t take it with you.
And I am learning that help is there when I need it. I just have to ask.
So now I can relax and enjoy every minute.